Parent Effectiveness Training – P.E.T.

by Dr. Thomas Gordon

Effective communication skills can improve the quality of relationships.

As role models for children, we have the responsibility of demonstrating effective communication skills in our relationships. Most adults and parents rely on the same methods of solving problems and raising children that were used by their family. Effective communication skills express feelings, initiate reciprocation and help bring about the factors in relationships that nurture growth, change and autonomy. Authentic interpersonal relationships are based on honesty and taking responsibility for feelings and needs without laying blame.

P.E.T. is based on a theory of human relationships that is applicable to any and all relationships between people, not just parent-child relationships. This system outlines a practical approach in learning communication skills: two-way communication, creative problem-solving, constructive conflict-resolution, goal setting, teamwork and cooperation. Parents can learn to raise children who are responsible, self-disciplined, and cooperative without relying on fear tactics. Parents can learn how to influence children to behave out of genuine consideration for the needs of the parent.

According to the book, there are three main types of parents; the winners, the losers and the oscillators. "Winners" apparently use threats of punishment to influence the child to obey. When conflict arises, the parents consistently win; "parents know what's best!” The "losers" allow their children a great deal of freedom. When conflict arises, the child wins; "Children's needs come first." The oscillators oscillate between the two approaches. These are the parents who are most confused and uncertain of their parenting skills since they cannot be consistent with any one approach.

P.E.T. teaches effective communication skills that offer a no-lose method termed mutual problem solving. The master key in P.E.T. is the method of bringing discipline into the home through the use of skills that support effective management of conflict.

An effective parent allows himself to be a real person. Children thus respond positively when their parents act as ordinary people, having faults, making mistakes, not seeming to be "all powerful," domineering and perfect in behavior. The author reassures the parent that they don't have to be one hundred percent consistent with their communication skills to be an effective parent, and that they don't have to pretend to feel accepting or loving toward a child when they genuinely do not feel that way. This method challenges the adult to recognize their feelings, and the causes for their feelings, so that they may in turn be effective communicators.

Some parents and adults are tolerant of children's behavior and some are not. Being accepting is a characteristic of personality. A parent's feeling of acceptance will also change with state of mind, situation and feelings about themselves. Parents can even show acceptance for a child's actions by not intervening in his activities and allowing children to learn through their own creative error. Many parents fail to realize how often they communicate non-acceptance to their children simply by interfering, intruding, and joining in. A hands-off attitude comes hard to some. A communication skill termed passive listening allows children the opportunity to listen to their feelings and find constructive solution in the process.

When an adult communicates acceptance to a child verbally, effective communication responses include door openers such as; "Tell me about it, "Would you like to talk about it?" Children usually react favorably, since they want their feelings to be understood, or their needs to be met within the context of the conversation.

Active listening is another skill that is used when the parent understands that the child has some need to communicate. The child usually wants something, feels discomfort, is hungry or something like this. Active listening dialogue begins with the parent when statements such as "Sounds like you are really upset about that," are used in response. Active listening is essentially a skill that is used in response to a child's message. The parent decodes it and sends back a message that communicates what you think the child is saying. This response allows the child to hear empathy and support for their feelings. Active listening also encourages children to reciprocate and listen to the parent’s thoughts and feelings. When parents don't empathize, children feel that their feelings are not being understood. Some parents are so frightened of feelings that they actually fail to detect them in their child's messages.

I messages are communication skills that effectively communicate to the child the effect his behavior is having on you. These messages are far less threatening than the projection of blame and shame reflected in the classic "you message." I messages communicate respect and honesty for feelings.

Since the early 1970's, over a million copies of P.E.T. have sold worldwide. Parent Effectiveness Training also continues to be a popular eight-week educational course taught by qualified instructors in most all cities. P.E.T. on the local level has been one of the C.S.U.C.'s extension classes offered every other semester during the spring term.

The ramification for the practice of effective communication skills in our lives is astounding. Understanding the importance of effective communication skills enables us an opportunity to change the way we parent and communicate. The practical application of the methods outlined in the book P.E.T. provides us with an approach that when practiced can significantly strengthen our relationships and help us to become better role models for children.

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